A Letter to Bridal Stores & Treatment of Bridesmaids

Dear Bridal Stores & Your Consultants,

Bridesmaids are people too. People with legitimate feelings towards what they are about to purchase. Is it going to be the bride's day? Sure. However, don't treat us like we are terrible human beings if we choose to make comments about dresses we'd really rather not wear. We aren't (always) trying to be b*tchy about it.

For instance, there was that time I was trying on dresses for a winter wedding. The bride kept picking short, thin dresses. One dress in particular I despised. Just despised. Rather than making a mean comment about how much I hated the dress, I tried other ways of convincing the bride it was the wrong dress. I was making headway with a long dress, when the consultant said "That dress isn't going to keep you any warmer than the other one, and the bride likes it better," with this wonderfully snooty voice. It was all I could do to not fly at her screaming, "If it covers my legs, it at least hides the goosebumps."

Or that time that the bridal consultant yelled my (four sizes smaller than the bride and maid of honor) dress size for the entire store to hear. With 2 of my fellow bridesmaids and bride to hear. You know what brides don't want to be reminded of? That one of their bridesmaids is smaller than they are.

Or that time the alterations person told me that in future weddings, I should suggest to the bride that she choose an "A-line" dress because the one I had purchased and was attempting to get altered was going to cost more in alterations than the dress cost. It was the same store that suggested I not push my luck on a bridesmaid dress just because I wanted a long one because it was winter.

I've been watching "Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids." While I will agree that there are some pretty awful bridesmaids that have been on that show, their treatment of bridesmaids hasn't been spectacular either. Saying "Pay up and shut up," is not appropriate. We get that we probably aren't going to get to pick a dress we want to wear again. But if we are being reasonable (like arguing over going over budget), don't act like we are monsters.

At some point, most of these bridesmaids are probably going to get married themselves. I can already tell you, there's one store I will not be looking at for my future wedding gown, based on their treatment of me as a bridesmaid. If it's possible, they won't even get my bridesmaid's business either.

Sincerely,

An Angry Bridesmaid

EDIT (5/4/2012): I totally forgot about the bridal consultant who mocked my height (or lack thereof)! Consultant: "Well, I guess it's a good thing that you're the one trying on the dresses, since you're going to be the shortest bridesmaid!"
Me: "Actually, I'm not. Another bridesmaid is shorter. I haven't met the other one, so I'm not sure where I rank with her."
Consultant: "YOU'RE KIDDING!"

Bride-Bragging

I've been torn between whether I should brag about this one particular bride, or not share this story in attempts to avoid alienating other friends (and feeling obligated to do these things should the day arrive that I get engaged). Clearly, bragging has won out (but I should point out- I pick my friends well because they were all fantastic as brides). After all... she (and her parents/ friends) did go above and beyond for the bridesmaids, after she had a horrible experience as a bridesmaid a few months before becoming engaged.

Between graduate school, unemployment, and employment with a non-profit organization (oh- and all the other weddings I've been in), money has been tight. And this bride was familiar with my situation (which was similar to her other bridesmaids' situations). Not only did she choose a bridesmaid dress from the same place that she bought her dress (discount folks... discount), but her family also pitched in by sending the bridesmaids checks to alleviate some of the cost of the dress.

After arriving in town for the wedding (where the bride and her mom picked myself and another bridesmaid up at the airport so that we wouldn't have to rent a car/ drive around a very large, unfamiliar city), we immediately got treated to drinks at McDonalds (this was a theme of the weekend). We also enjoyed a concert (one of my favorite groups in the world) & unique-to-the-city experience.

Other ways this bride and her family went above and beyond for the bridesmaids? Hotel, manicures, bridesmaid lunch, all the diet coke a girl could ask for, food/ party after the wedding with their family and friends, and a 5am trip to the airport the day after the wedding. They had also introduced us to friends as they arrived at the hotel before the rehearsal, and since I only knew the bride and another bridesmaid, I asked one of those friends at the reception to hold my drink and MOH speech while I went to bustle the dress. I returned and that wonderful friend had even asked them to refill my drink!

Fellow bridesmaids, understand that this is not typical. This bride had been through such a terrible bridesmaid experience that she wanted us to have a much better time as bridesmaids than as she had previously. But I just had to brag on her, her family, and her friends a bit, because I've never been better treated as a bridesmaid.

That one time I wasn't a bridesmaid, and why I can't work for that wedding consulting firm.

I haven't been in every wedding... or even invited to every wedding... even if it feels like it.

This one particular wedding that I'm thinking of belongs to my freshman roommate. I'm sure most people have at least one bad roommate story... so imagine a really, bad roommate story, multiply it by happening about once a month (if not more), and you've got my living situation. I won't share the bad roommate stories, because that's not the point of the blog, but basically, it was terrible living with her. And then I had a much better roommate (and was invited and IN her wedding).

Freshman roommate got engaged my senior year (thanks Facebook, for making it impossible to get away from her), and then married shortly after we graduated. Thanks to Facebook, I got to see her pictures. And there were several that made my jaw drop. And then caused some very impolite laughter.

That's right. These pictures, no matter how nice photographically, made me crack up. They are awful. The bride had a bridal portrait session that put her in the middle of a daisy field with her veil covering her face, and despite this, you can still tell that she has the strangest expression on her face. And by strange, I really mean "pained." The girl looked like she was in pain sitting there, even though I can tell she was really trying to look pretty.

Sure, shame on me for laughing at these pictures of her. And really shame on me for showing them to friends to see their reactions (similar to mine). But shame on those photographers for taking those pictures. They are AWFUL of her.

Anyways, it has been well over 2 years since I looked at her pictures. But during one of my brilliant "Hey, what if I looked into becoming a wedding planner?" moments, I discovered that the company I was researching had pictures of her wedding posted on their site... meaning that she must have used them.

Sure- they picked probably the 2 best pictures from the wedding (they are far away shots), but this is the same wedding firm that allowed some really stupid stuff (like the cake topper where the bride is dragging the groom by his jacket, while he's checking email on a computer). So, I guess I'll be looking at contacting other firms if I'm serious about this idea, but I think it's hilarious that her wedding pictures have popped back into my world in an unrelated way.

The Ask

After reading other bridesmaid blogs and seeing cookies/ cards for sale for brides-to-be to ask bridesmaids to be in their wedding, it made me think of all the ways I've been asked. Never with baked goods, that's for sure.

These are out of order, as I don't want to embarrass anyone.

• A few days after finding out about one bride's engagement, she called me up on the phone to ask (we lived several hours apart)
• Shortly after her engagement, the bride walked across the hallway (she was my roommate at the time) to ask me.
• She asked me hypothetically. I told her I wouldn't mind being in her wedding, as long as that's the role she wanted me to play (there was another option), so she said she had to think about it. Then when I was helping her with part of the wedding planning, someone asked if I was a bridesmaid and I looked at her funny when she said "Yes." She asked what was wrong, and I decided to let it go. She probably didn't realize that she hadn't officially asked me.
• A few days after finding out about the bride's engagement, she and her fiance showed up at my house to say hi and to ask me (she wanted to do it in person since she wanted me to be the MOH)
• We set a phone date (and rescheduled a few times) after her engagement. She asked, and I had to wait until I had a job, as being a bridesmaid costs money (especially if you have to travel), and I was unemployed. Thank goodness her wedding was a year away, and I officially accepted about 3 months after she asked (I really don't recommend doing this to anyone- I just didn't have much of a choice).

I'm undecided about what's the best option. Clearly it's not always feasible to ask everyone in person, though I do believe it is the nicest way when it is possible (ie- you live in the same town. If not, phone is totally fine).

The Pros & Cons of the Wedding Time

5 weddings as a bridesmaid later, I've got mixed feelings about the best time to be in a wedding. They all have their benefits... and downsides. Of course, bridesmaids don't get to pick the hour, but at least you can be prepared before headed to the wedding. (Word of warning- the latest wedding I've been in was at 4:30pm, so that's where I stop offering suggestions). Please note- I understand that when you agree to be a bridesmaid, you're giving up your day to celebrate with the bride and groom.

The Morning Wedding:
Pros:

• Beautiful light for photographers (and if the photographer is happy, the bridesmaids get better looking pictures)
• You should have time to do things after the wedding is over, because the reception won't last until the wee hours (seriously- what bride and groom would want to pay for a 12 hour reception?)
• Less formal.

Cons:

• Do you have any idea how early you have to wake up for a morning wedding? I had to wake the bride up at 4:30am for her 10:30am wedding, since her hairdresser was arriving at 5:30am. One of the photographers got a great picture of me at the hotel after I finished getting ready around 7am... but I don't remember it being taken (AT ALL).
• Being tired makes getting ready that much more difficult. Curling irons and 6am don't mix folks. Neither does mascara. Seriously- morning weddings= early wake-up times.

Recommendations:

• Get an early night's sleep for this one. And if you have insomnia issues like I do, take an Advil PM or something like that.
• Drink caffeine that morning.

The Early Afternoon Wedding:

Pros:

• You might be lucky enough to sleep in a bit more. Or not, if you have an 8am appointment with a hairdresser.
• You have more time to wake up.

Cons:

• You're spending all day with this wedding, or else the reception is incredibly short (early afternoon makes for awkward reception times). Go ahead and prepare yourself. (My one early afternoon wedding lasted from 8am- 11pm).

Recommendations:

• Be ready to smile all day.

The Late Afternoon Wedding:

Pros:

• Beautiful light for photographers (depending on the season)
• You might have time to do stuff that morning, depending on the bride's schedule.
• More formal (less formal/ more formal of course being on what your preference is)
• You probably won't have to be up at the crack of dawn for this wedding. Unless you're friends with Bridezilla (I've been lucky).

Cons:

• You're going to spend most of the day with this wedding, unless the reception is incredibly short.

Recommendations:

• Although you probably get to sleep in some, still make sure you get a good night's rest. It could be a long night.

Believe it or not, for all my cons about the early morning, I think I liked the morning wedding the best. Less time to stress out over things (there's always time to stress over certain details), and there's time to take a nap after the reception before doing other things that night.

On being a professional bridesmaid

I should start off this post by pointing out that I know there are people who have been in more weddings than I have, and that I probably still have a few weddings before my tenure as "professional bridesmaid" is up. That being said...

I've jokingly referred to myself as a professional bridesmaid, but at wedding #5, after a guest/ close friend of the bride's family found out that it was my 5th wedding, she and others started referring to me as such. When it came time to do anything, "Where's the professional bridesmaid? She knows what to do." This wedding is when I realized that with that title, you've got to be prepared for ANYTHING.

What it takes to be a "professional bridesmaid" (even The Knot couldn't prepare me for this):

• You've got the essentials: Advil, bandaids, lotion, needle & thread
• You know what to do in a crisis (i.e., the bride doesn't have "something blue," and you figure out that you have straps that you aren't using on your blue dress with you, which can be safety pinned to the inside of her dress)
• You know to get caffeine before the wedding (Sonic happy hour in this particular instance)
• You know how to paint nails, and manage to get the other bridesmaids and yourself in record time
• You know how to zip the bride into the dress, if it requires specific maneuvering/ bride not breathing while it's being zipped
• The minister goes to you while the bride & groom are taking group pictures, because things were left behind
• You know how to bustle the dress, without requiring safety pins to show you where the loops are
• The catering staff comes to you at the reception to ask if you managed to figure out how to get music to play, since you'd already been by to bug them when they didn't have the hookup like had been promised by someone else
• You can come up with a reception playlist on the day of the rehearsal, when other reception options fall through
• When there's an undesirable bridesmaid job, you get pushed to do it (unless you figure out an alternative)

Makes me wonder why I didn't go into wedding planning as a career choice. Maybe I should start my own business... "Rent a Bridesmaid." I'll be there with Advil, lotion, drinks, and get everyone down the aisle and into the reception with everything ready to go.

Wedding Tales & Horrors, Pt. 2

I'm not quite sure what to do with myself. It's been just over a month, and no bridesmaid duties. No dresses to buy or alter, no shoes to break in, no parties to plan, etc. I don't even have any weddings to attend until the end of September (and then I have 3 in a 4 week period)!

So I figured I'd share another bridesmaid story. This particular time, I had a car wreck the day of the bachelorette party (which was 4 days before the wedding), so I missed the party (I don't have good luck with bachelorette parties, but more about that later). My car was so beat up, that the police officer told me that the only reason he was letting me drive it home is because I was less than a mile from my house (and he told me that if I was pulled over for driving such an undriveable car to explain that it had just happened and etc.) Well- after dealing with the insurance company, they strongly suggested waiting until Saturday to get my rental car. And the wedding was on Friday, about 3 hours away.

So, I started to call other bridesmaids to see if I can catch a ride with them, but they had to leave while I was still in class (a 3-week class, and I was already missing the last day of class to be in the wedding). Which left my only option as a ride with a close friend, who was a guest... who had to work during the rehearsal (which was the morning of the wedding). We left as soon as her meetings were over, and I made it to the wedding just in time to get my hair and makeup done. Another bridesmaid had to show me where I was supposed to stand, how to walk in, all that fun stuff that I missed during the rehearsal.

Moral of the story? Don't drive on curvy roads in the rain if you've got something big planned for the weekend, or don't take classes during weddings that you can't afford to miss a day or two. (I still refuse to drive that particular curve in the rain).